I'm getting tired of useless desires...: February 2010

Sunday, 28 February 2010

52 things you would love to say out loud at work - but probably shouldn't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

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Saturday, 27 February 2010

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF... (please add your own funny comment!)

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF...

You believe that every patient needs TLC: Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse call-buzzer system night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.

When asked by the doctor what colour the patient's diarrhoea was, you show
them your shoes.

If they missed your shoes, you use the well known "poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken Korma to Spinach Vindaloo.

You can identify the different causes of diarrhoea by the smell.

Your sense of humour gets more warped every year.

The kids get their presents in TED stockings, and NHS pillowcases. Anybody's
presents are usually wrapped with Micropore or Transpore tape.

Almost anything can seem funny? eventually.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors, keys and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from work is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.

You don't get concerned about blood unless it's your own.

You notice that you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have laxative drug names written on them.

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing or it
triggers flashbacks, or; Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty
because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and everything, and
pointing out mistakes like upside down x-rays.

You have seriously considered catheterising yourself before a clubbing
night, or your children before a long car journey.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your colleague and to scream if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn or crisps out of a clean bedpan/sick bowl is
perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the shopping centre for fear that
they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You hate to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live
in, and why can't they make jeans that comfortable.

You find yourself checking other peoples veins in the supermarket

When checking a patients orientation, YOU don't know if its night or day,
or what day/year/month it is.

You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work nights and
realise that you don't need drugs or alcohol to hallucinate; just lack of
sleep.

You pull over in a lay-by after nights because you are too tired to drive
home. You only wake up when someone is banging on your window because they
think you've had a stroke when the see the trail of dribble sliding down
the window

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute has.

***
Anymore? Add your own and pass them back to me!

Ryan x

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Thursday, 25 February 2010

My Bright Blue Flash of Hair

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Sunshine-Basking Freddie

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Wednesday, 24 February 2010

A Living Furball

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Freddie & His New Friend

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Kathryn Williams - The Quickening, out now on Amazon.co.uk - low price with free shipping

This eighth album from the Liverpudlian folk-rock singer songwriter follows 2006's 'Leave To Remain' and her 2008 release with Neill MacColl, 'Two', and is her first for powerhouse indie One Little Indian. Recorded live at Bryn Derwen Studio in North Wales in just four days, with a self-imposed limit of three takes per song, and without her band members hearing the songs beforehand, it has an almost shocking immediacy and a "raw, sinister mood", and has already been hailed by critics as her best material to date. - amazon.co.uk

Amazon:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quickening-Kathryn-Williams/dp/B0031NC6Q4

Related posts on this blog:
www.uselessdesires.co.uk/tag/kathrynwilliams

Official homepage:
www.kathrynwilliams.co.uk

Contact me:
ryan@kathrynwilliams.co.uk

Posted via email from uselessdesires

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Apple Uses Unlicensed Photo by Richard Misrach for iPad Wallpaper. Download it here

An impressive landscape photograph called "Pyramid Lake (at Night)" was featured at Apple’s January 27 event in San Francisco, when the Mac maker unveiled the highly anticipated iPad to the world. Apple hadn’t gotten around to licensing the image when the people attending Steve Jobs’ keynote gazed at it behind the 9.7-inch glass panel, yet its author is extremely pleased with the move. He is certain he and Apple will reach a fruitful agreement.

Generally, artists go ballistic when someone uses their works of art and don’t credit them properly, and for good reason too. Not Richard Misrach. He admits Apple had contacted him ahead of the January 27 event to license the photo, but the two parties never got around to signing the papers, for one reason or another.

Artinfo reveals that Misrach was first contacted by Apple a while ago in regards to ten images from his different series. Misrach rejected them. Then, two weeks ago (days before the iPad announcement), Misrach was contacted again from Cupertino, this time for a licensing of Pyramid Lake (at Night), a photo he had taken at a Native American reservation in Nevada, back in 2004. According to Artinfo, the two parties talked about a five-year, exclusive deal, with Apple saying it would use the image for screen-savers and stuff like that.

"I was in bed watching Inglorious Bastards when I got a call from Jeffrey FraenkeL, my dealer in San Francisco, and he said, 'Do you know what's going on live here?'" Misrach told Artinfo. "I was totally shocked. Naturally my other galleries started calling and my family was all atwitter, because it's a whole different world."

However, no papers have yet been signed.

"The funny thing is that I don't even have a contract with them yet, so they must have decided on it at the eleventh hour," Misrach revealed. "I'm sure they'll send me one quickly now. But I'm very happy, I'm sure it's fine, and the terms are good."

Misrach also explained that, "[Pyramid Lake (at Night) is] a long night exposure where the moon is lighting up the mountains in the distance. I shot it on an 8x10 camera, so the quality is really beautiful and you can see star trails going through the sky."

That's a Richard Misrach Photo on the iPad

Have you seen all the photos of the new Apple iPad? That landscape photo shown on the screen is an image fine-art photographer Richard Misrach licensed to Apple in a five-year exclusive deal. Misrach told ArtInfo.comthat it's the first time he's ever licensed an image for commercial use.

Misrach, who is represented byPace/MacGill in New York, Fraenkel Gallery in San Francisco and other galleries, says Apple had reviewed several of his photos. Then two weeks before the launch of the much-hyped new tablet, Apple specified they wanted to use "Pyramid Lake (at Night)." Apple said only that it wanted to use the 2004 image"Pyramid Lake (at Night)," as a screen saver and for other features -- no mention of the iPad, which was still under wraps.

'What's funny is that for years I actually used the photo as my own screensaver," Misrach says. "So I guess they know what they're doing."

(Note: Richard Misrach's "On the Beach" was chosen one of the last decade's most influential photo books of the decade. Check out yesterday's PDN Photo of the Day. )

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HIGH-RES Apple iPad Wallpaper in Three Sizes, including iPhone size

Click thumbnails to enlarge - hover to see the sizes - click the pop-up image to download or click the zip file link when you hover over am image to download the pack. Enjoy!

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Monday, 22 February 2010

Kathryn Williams, The Quickening - a stunning record, a live gig, magic mushrooms, a camel on a broom-handle and music to die for.

[this review/article was first published on the iTunes UK store on 22/02/2010 by Ryan Price]

I had the devine pleasure of seeing kathryn last night at the glee club in Birmingham. Everytime I see and hear her on stage, it's like meeting with old friends. Warm comfort. She played with a full band (who were amazing) and I felt so lucky to have shared in such a special evening. Although I say this on everyone of kathryn's new releases, 'The Quicken' is without doubt her best, most acomplished record to date, a beautiful creation of seducing harmonies and inspiring arrangements. It feels like a dream, like coming home. Now I'm left with the warm afterglow that cannot be dampened. Kathryn did a great job with Kate St. John, Nev Clay and Neill Maccoll and the rest of the band. In kathryn's own words, getting such great musicians together is like herding cats, so it might be a while until we hear something this good again...

"Kathryn Williams waves a tender goodbye to the noughties and enters the 'teenies' with the release of her eighth studio album ‘The Quickening’ onFebruary 22nd next year, her first for new label One Little Indian.

The new record was recorded at Bryn Derwen studio in North Wales ‘in four days, all live, three takes maximum’and includes a couple of co- writes with longstanding collaborator, guitarist David Scott:

‘It has a mood’ she suggests, ‘a slightly sinister palette with lyrics that are raw. I see myself in these songs a lot, whereas before I invented characters.’

The album was produced by Kathryn and Kate St. John (ex-Dream Academy) and mixed by Kathryn and David Wrench.

Of the songs Kathryn says ‘I always wonder if people get the same pictures in their head as me from the lyrics and music. I see the songs as shapes when I sing them, as journeys through pictures or film’. Album opener ‘50 White Lines’ is a great example, Kathryn re-imagining the long journeys on tour as a Bonnie & Clyde style escapade; in the background a male voice ‘counts’ the road markings or lights as they flash by in the protagonist’s flight from city to city, town to town.

‘It’s a little world of rules I couldn’t write down but I work to them and around them, and I know my way around that world,’ says Kathryn of her song writing itself, ‘I’m forever scared that the way of making the songs will leave me. But in the end, that is part of what drives me.’"

So. To the songs:

‘50 White Lines’
The album opens with the sound of rainfall and a ticking indicator giving way to a song about long distance driving. Given the subject matter, it’s a beautiful and slightly hypnotic way to open the album. A male voice counts the white lines on the road as Kathryn sings about “lights in the mirror, darting like fish”.

‘Just A Feeling’
A softly spoken vocal and finger-picked guitar reminiscent of Nick Drake accompany a lyric full of philosophical musings and self-doubt: “Is belief a scratch you’ve got to itch? What if love is just a feeling?”

‘Winter Is Sharp’
The closest thing to a traditional English folk song Kathryn has released to date, this short little shanty sees Kathryn accompanied by a backing vocal that evokes The Unthanks or Eliza Carthy, plus accordion and ukelele that picks up pace to bring the track to a frenetic conclusion.

‘Wanting & Waiting’
Backed by piano and banjo, this reimagining of The Kinks’ ‘Waterloo Sunset’ is a song about wishing away the hours of a 9 to 5 job and yearning instead for long romantic nights. It’s an evocative portrait of young love in the city and perhaps the album’s most obvious choice for a single.

‘Black Oil’
At just 83 seconds long, ‘Black Oil’ punctuates the album with a snapshot of a field at dusk full of shining yellow flowers and birds “head to toe in black oil”. Like ‘Little Black Numbers’ before it, this mysterious curiosity of a song leaves much to interpretation.

‘Just Leave’
Far from the all-consuming young love of ‘Wanting & Waiting’, ‘Just Leave’ is a bleak depiction of a couple falling apart at the seams. Weighed down by heavy silences and her partner’s wandering heart, the song’s narrator pleads, “Just leave, just leave, just leave.”

‘Smoke’
The theme of a love slipping away is continued on ‘Smoke’. A glockenspiel leads a stripped back arrangement while Kathryn sings, “Holding you is like holding smoke… I kiss and I blow and you float out of sight.”

‘Cream Of The Crop’
The first of two consecutive jazz-infused tracks that bring about a strange shift in tone at this point on the record. Co-written with long-time collaborator David Scott and previously performed live, it’s a strong song but one that would perhaps have sounded more at home on earlier album, Old Low Light.

‘There Are Keys’
The second slightly incongruous track on the record with its woozy vocal and atmospheric production, the lyric is centred around a missing loved one and the narrator’s desire to know that they’re safe.

‘Noble Guesses’
It’s back to a more folk-oriented sound with ‘Noble Guesses’. Kathryn sings about the importance and value of absence and various ‘holes’ – from the gaps needed to structure the first periodic table to the enigmatic space left in a family album where a polaroid once was.

‘Little Lesson’
A curious track co-written with poet Nev Clay and Kathryn’s new touring bassist Simon Edwards. With a lead bassline, handclaps and an undulating vocal, it’s a kind of campfire song that quickly works its way into the consciousness with the refrain “Give a little lesson for our love”.

‘Up North’
A paean to Kathryn’s home in the north of England, she sings “If I could always be next to you I would”, perhaps regretting that she has to spend so much time on the road away from family and friends. The song brings the album, which began behind the wheel, full circle, with the first and last tracks providing neat bookends for a diverse but inspired collection of songs.

'Starling' - (iTunes exclusive extra)
With an underdub of the shipping forcast, a harmony of starlings on telephone wires - a whimsical story of wanting to be up in the air, of breaking free.

Available now - Download or buy the quickening from Amazon, Play.com or iTunes:

iTunes:
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/the-quickening/id353132157

Amazon:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quickening-Kathryn-Williams/dp/B0031NC6Q4

Play.com:
http://www.play.com/Music/CD/-/34/48/-/13506403/The-Quickening/Product.html?searchtype=genre&cur=257

Fan info:
ryan@kathrynwilliams.co.uk
(that's me!)

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The Quickening by Kathryn Williams: A soft soul with hard edges, who shows us how quietness can resound so loudly.

BBC Review

A soft soul with hard edges, who shows us how quietness can resound so loudly.

Jude Rogers

2010-02-22

Ever since 2000’s Mercury-nominated Little Black Numbers, Kathryn Williams has remained one of Britain’s best, most surprising, and uncompromising singer-songwriters. Her songs are always intricately spun and her sentiments heavy with everyday poetry, but the delicacy of her voice has too often been equated with sweetness, and the depth of dark waters in her work are ignored. Given that her eighth album, The Quickening, is named after the strange stage of pregnancy when a foetus starts to move in the womb, Williams seems determined to remind us that that her music is fiercely alive.

The Quickening was made in four days, and recorded live by a group of musicians who had not heard Williams’ songs before they arrived in the studio. They brought with them a range of strange instruments – marimubulas, banduras, markosphones and cajons joining the usual arsenal of guitars and marimbas. Put together, they give this record a directness and fullness that bolsters Williams’ handling of lyrical mystery.

50 White Lines, a song about the night journeys of an artist on tour, becomes a beautiful, mythical epic. “If I can drive through this town I can vanish,” sings Williams, as thumb pianos and xylophones ring like bold bells. Elsewhere, the band adds different colours and shadows to the music. Black Oil’s tale of sunflowers in the evening holds both magic and menace, as the bass notes of a piano ring out and drums echo softly, while Just a Feeling plays with listeners’ minds, its hurdy gurdys and dark rhythms clashing with Williams’ pretty melody, telling us how “sad songs don’t sound so sad in the sun”. There Are Keys is even more sinister and strange; its opening electronic crackle gives way to a thick tangle of steel strings, stories about “pylons on stiletto toes”, and images of clockwork birds that won’t wake up.

With every play, The Quickening becomes more impressive, reminding you of the rich songcraft of Elvis Costello, and Kate Bush’s last album, Aerial, particularly in the way that it sounds so accessible but yet so peculiar. She deserves to belong in this canon, and we should savour Williams’ talent – a soft soul with hard edges, who shows us how quietness can resound so loudly.

Souce: Jude Rogers / the Guardian

http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/reviews/pj9p

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The Quickening - a stunning record, a live gig, magic mushrooms, a camel on a broom-handle and music to die for. A run-down.

‘50 White Lines’

The album opens with the sound of rainfall and a ticking indicator giving way to a song about long distance driving. Given the subject matter, it’s a beautiful and slightly hypnotic way to open the album. A male voice counts the white lines on the road as Kathryn sings about “lights in the mirror, darting like fish”.

‘Just A Feeling’
A softly spoken vocal and finger-picked guitar reminiscent of Nick Drake accompany a lyric full of philosophical musings and self-doubt: “Is belief a scratch you’ve got to itch? What if love is just a feeling?”

‘Winter Is Sharp’
The closest thing to a traditional English folk song Kathryn has released to date, this short little shanty sees Kathryn accompanied by a backing vocal that evokes The Unthanks or Eliza Carthy, plus accordion and ukelele that picks up pace to bring the track to a frenetic conclusion.

‘Wanting & Waiting’
Backed by piano and banjo, this reimagining of The Kinks’ ‘Waterloo Sunset’ is a song about wishing away the hours of a 9 to 5 job and yearning instead for long romantic nights. It’s an evocative portrait of young love in the city and perhaps the album’s most obvious choice for a single.

‘Black Oil’
At just 83 seconds long, ‘Black Oil’ punctuates the album with a snapshot of a field at dusk full of shining yellow flowers and birds “head to toe in black oil”. Like ‘Little Black Numbers’ before it, this mysterious curiosity of a song leaves much to interpretation.

‘Just Leave’
Far from the all-consuming young love of ‘Wanting & Waiting’, ‘Just Leave’ is a bleak depiction of a couple falling apart at the seams. Weighed down by heavy silences and her partner’s wandering heart, the song’s narrator pleads, “Just leave, just leave, just leave.”

‘Smoke’
The theme of a love slipping away is continued on ‘Smoke’. A glockenspiel leads a stripped back arrangement while Kathryn sings, “Holding you is like holding smoke… I kiss and I blow and you float out of sight.”

‘Cream Of The Crop’
The first of two consecutive jazz-infused tracks that bring about a strange shift in tone at this point on the record. Co-written with long-time collaborator David Scott and previously performed live, it’s a strong song but one that would perhaps have sounded more at home on earlier album, Old Low Light.

‘There Are Keys’
The second slightly incongruous track on the record with its woozy vocal and atmospheric production, the lyric is centred around a missing loved one and the narrator’s desire to know that they’re safe.

‘Noble Guesses’
It’s back to a more folk-oriented sound with ‘Noble Guesses’. Kathryn sings about the importance and value of absence and various ‘holes’ – from the gaps needed to structure the first periodic table to the enigmatic space left in a family album where a polaroid once was.

‘Little Lesson’
A curious track co-written with poet Nev Clay and Kathryn’s new touring bassist Simon Edwards. With a lead bassline, handclaps and an undulating vocal, it’s a kind of campfire song that quickly works its way into the consciousness with the refrain “Give a little lesson for our love”.

‘Up North’
A paean to Kathryn’s home in the north of England, she sings “If I could always be next to you I would”, perhaps regretting that she has to spend so much time on the road away from family and friends. The song brings the album, which began behind the wheel, full circle, with the first and last tracks providing neat bookends for a diverse but inspired collection of songs.

Starling - an iTunes exclusive extra

Available now - Download the quickening from Amazon or iTunes.

Posted via email from uselessdesires

Sunday, 21 February 2010

15 Suave iPhone Theme Icons

An icon pack for the iPhone theme 'Suave' - 15 icons I needed to make myself, as I couldn't find the ones I wanted:

Tweetie 2,
Birdfeed,
National Rail,
Stick It,
Simpsons,
Catchamouse,
Guardian,
FlipTime,
Critical Care,
RN Pocket Guide,
Sonic the Hedgehog,
Grindr,
Internet Movie Database,
Millionaire,
The Moron Test

Get the original iPhone Suave theme from MacThemes