Tuesday, 31 October 2006

Oh Shit. Not only am I hitting a midlife crisis and 27, I'm also a lesbian:

Google Search Result

Well, that is NOT MEEEeeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm feeling very old

I suppose the fist thing I would like to write here is that I feel very old now. I turned 27 last week, on the 22nd. That's 3 years to the big Three 'O' ('O' shit. I'm 30). That's me, on the left looking a right prat. That was taken last year in Estonia, after a great time exploring Finland, Sweden (yet again) and Tallin, Estonia. This was taken high up at the back of the Old Town (Gamla Stan), on a wall overlookintg the entire city. I think for a little place, you could get pretty much anything up there, including Russian Passports - cheap as chips. Illegally peddelled too!

Anyway, back to my age. I think I'm going to start going backwards agian - like Granny. No, I'm not saying Granny is senile (much) but I mean that I'll start counting my age backwards. So, my next birthday will be my 26th. Can't wait....! I guess the desire to be younger is, as the title of this blog suggests, is useless. Pfah.

Right now, I'm sitting in my spare room looking out onto a brick jungle of new housing. Horrible. No green fields, no trees nothing. At least my cats keep me company, and Michael will be home later. Leicester is a hole sometimes, but sometimes it's ok. Dwali has just started, so the town is buzzing, and the lights are lovely.

Still, I miss Wales - my homeland. And I miss my family.... That's not a useless desire...

Anyway, enough of my rant. I think I'll leave it at this now. I think my next post will either be on Patty Griffin or Kathryn Williams.

So, ta ta for now.... x

Why Useless Desires?

Hellooo! Well, what a novelty... I'm a blogger. I have been called worse things, so blogger will do for now.

I guess the first thing to do is say "welcome..." to my blog, called I'm Getting Tired of Useless Desires. If you want to find out why this blog is called this, you already know if you came via my webiste.

If not, take a look - it's quite good, honest!

Some thoughts behind the theme...
Useless Desires is a song by Patty Griffin...

"I can't spend another ten years wishing you would anyway"

"Useless Desires hums along at a lively little pace, allowing Patty to do what she does best: perfectly sum up humanity in her quirky and earthy lyrics. In this song, she is finally able to let go of a relationship that the other person abandoned long ago. Goodbye to all the window panes shining in the sun. Like diamonds on a winter day, goodbye goodbye to everyone. Set to a fiddle, tambourine and acoustic guitar, Patty acknowledges her goodbyes to all the things around her, finally admitting that 'Even I’m getting tired of useless desires.' The song ends with a sense of satisfaction at having been able to put the past behind her..." (R.Price)

Useless Desires is also about saying goodbye to old places, people and certainly saying farewell to certain situations. We all need to move on sometimes, and I have certainly done that.

And, I have my own story why Useless Desires meant so much to me when I first heard it. Here is it:

“Even I’m getting tired of useless desires”

"Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you anyway. And the different colored doorways you thought would let you in one day. Goodbye to the old bus stop frozen and waiting; The weekend addition has this town over-rated.
You walk across the baseball green, the grass has turned to straw. A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are, Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend I can’t make you stay. I can’t spend another ten years wishing you would anyway. How the sky turns to fire, Against the telephone wire,
And even I’m getting tired of useless desires"

A while ago at work I was playing “Useless Desires” by Patty Griffin on the CD player, and I turned to my colleague and told her that Patty makes me happy. She asked who Patty was and I shook my head at her sad little
music life. “Useless Desires” is one of my favorite songs on “Impossible Dream” but it wasn’t till after she went home early that I played the song on my mp3 player (in the toilet!) that it made me cry. Why did it make me cry? Because I really let the words hit me, though I knew them well, it was the first effect they had.

"Everday I take a bitter pill, it gets me on my way"

Almost everyone has their days when dealing with stuff. So its nice to know I’m not alone in the whole in that scene. But it really gets old, which makes me frustrated at myself. I don’t blame anyone at this point for my loneliness, I sit and wonder what I have done wrong and what I can change. But then I throw my hands up at it all because its just a cycle of things I find hard to brake. Is it really me who thinks the new car smell has 'worn off' of me being around? Sure it has, I understand being busy, but that gets old too. I have no problem fitting someone in to my 'not-so-busy life' to have coffee with two weeks from now. I do like days where I don’t know what I’m doing till the last second, I need those days time to time. But mostly, I like having things planned and knowing what’s going to happen before it actually does. Some days I really don’t even think about how lonely I actually am. I was doing well for a while until my birthday came and went, and I felt like the avalanche of all I worked to dig myself out of came down again. I gave Michael hell on that grim day last year. I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely honest about my birthday. I held back what I was truly feeling. When the question was raised in my own mind of “Where is everyone else?” I fought tears that had been with me days before at the thought wondering the same thing.

"For the little aches and pains, the ones I have from day to day"

I was hurt because I feel like if I just packed up and moved again that no one would really care. I went through my “hermit time” when I just went to work and came home and made excuse why not to call up a friend to see if they wanted to do anything. After that effecting the relationships that are active in my life, I realised I needed to do something for the sake of those and for myself. But more so for their sake than mine, so I told myself has hard as it was and much as it might hurt to not hear back, I'd make the attempt to have relationships here. I don’t like doing things alone. I had friends who I used to call just to do our errands with each other (Carmel, Jessica, Simon, Stan... all of you). Its always nice to have the company to do things with. When shopping I usually always need a second opinion. But, since my time at home, I have learned to do a lot of things by myself. I've gotten comfortable with the fact that I do things alone most of the time. But still the haunting feeling of just wanting some friends to call my own near me comes around again.

"To help me think a little less about the things I miss, to help me not to wonder how I ended up like this"

I know I can't think about the 'what if's' about moving back home. Its really hard to at times like these. No one wanted me to leave Wales, even my father. I saw the tears in my mothers eyes when she moved me into halls at uni; even my brother cried. I would be starting over in Uni, making new friends, and I'd be closer to my closest friends and now my partner. When I was at home, I was actually happy. I think Wales just does that to me because it was one of the greater experiences in my life. I learned a lot and loved a lot and there was nothing ever quite like it anywhere else I've lived. Home is 'home' after all.

I guess I’m just echoing Patty’s words over and over again in my heart. Is it really worth it to have this desire of friendship here, in Lonely Leicester?

I’m getting tired of this useless desire.

Then again... I broke free and started over, like most of us do. I found love, I have a nice home and a few good friends. The only thing that keeps me unhappy is money, or the lack of it. But thats material, not spirit.

And so the journey continues...