Exclusive Movie Trailer: "Maggie the Bitch Poodle from Hell"

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I wish your pyjamas were next to my nightie...

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The Periodic Table of Irrational Nonsense

contra omnia discrimina

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CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi

Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am

vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. 

I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.

The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It

wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men - "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" - and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and
then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" 

Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly
adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only
men were allowed to have the stuff). 

When I eat a chocolate dessert, I
enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
her. Which is close enough.

Copyright © John Scalzi

John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more
columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com

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(BBC News) Embarrassing email error ends up on Welsh road sign

(BBC NEWS) When council officials requested for a sign to be translated into Welsh via email, they assumed that the email auto-reply was all they needed...

The English is clear enough to lorry drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".

So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.

"When they're proofing signs, they should really use someone who speaks Welsh," said journalist Dylan Iorwerth.

Swansea council got lost in translation when it was looking to halt heavy goods vehicles using a road near an Asda store in the Morriston area.

All official road signs in Wales are bilingual, so the local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only".
The reply duly came back and officials set the wheels in motion to create the large sign in both languages.

The notice went up and all seemed well - until Welsh speakers began pointing out the embarrassing error.

Welsh-language magazine Golwg was promptly sent photographs of the offending sign by a number of its readers.

Managing editor Mr Iorwerth said: "We've been running a series of these pictures over the past months.
"They're circulating among Welsh speakers because, unfortunately, it's all too common that things are not just badly translated, but are put together by people who have no idea about the language."

"It's good to see people trying to translate, but they should really ask for expert help. Everything these days seems to be written first in English and then translated. Ideally, they should be written separately in both languages."

A council spokeswoman said: "Our attention was drawn to the mistranslation of a sign at the junction of Clase Road and Pant-y-Blawd Road.

The blunder is not the only time Welsh has been translated incorrectly or put in the wrong place:

• Cyclists between Cardiff and Penarth in 2006 were left confused by a bilingual road sign telling them they had problems with an "inflamed bladder".

• In the same year, a sign for pedestrians in Cardiff reading 'Look Right' in English read 'Look Left' in Welsh.

• In 2006, a shared-faith school in Wrexham removed a sign which translated the Welsh for staff as "wooden stave".

• Football fans at a FA Cup tie between Oldham and Chasetown - two English teams - in 2005 were left scratching their heads after a Welsh-language hoarding was put up along the pitch. It should have gone to a match in Merthyr Tydfil.

• People living near an Aberdeenshire building site in 2006 were mystified when a sign apologising for the inconvenience was written in Welsh as well as English.

Original BBC article:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7702913.stm

~ contra omnia discrimina

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You Don't Know Love from Shit

You got a snazzy new car in your driveway,
Expensive new clothes on your back,
Every tight shirt on the highway,
Has spent time in your bachelor pad.

We dance and you look over my shoulder,
And make eyes at somebody else,
You swear that you're not, But you know that's a croc,
Cause you only care for yourself.

Your attitude stinks and I hate it,
You're arrogant, cocky and rude,
You're selfish, conceited and jaded,
Everything's all about you,
You think that I'm lucky to have you,
You think you're so handsome, so what?
I'm kickin' you out cause I don't need this crap,
I'm gettin' myself outta shit.

Cause you don't know love from shigella,
With you love is not what I found,
Cause a man needs someone to hold him,
Not someone to just let him down,
I want someone I can count on,
A cool headed, warm heart and shoulder,
To cry on, rely on, today and from now on,
But you don't know love from shigella,

You don't know love...
From shigella!

Oh but I gave you love and affection,
But you never gave one iota,
It was an early detection,
That you don't know love from shigella.

You don't know love from shigella,
You don't know what true loves about.
Well you'll find your world growin' colder,
When you're alone and without,
So go on, lover boy, have a big time,
Drink up on your Pinot Grigio,
When you sober up you'll be fucked outta luck,
Cause you don't know love from shigella.

I'm in it for love, but you're just plain stuck,
You don't know love from shigella.

Copyright © 2010 Ryan Price & Dolly Parton. Dedicated to?!

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Father Ted - Feckin Mrs Doyle

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Welshman Makes ASDA Complaint About Pizza - real call-centre recording - very funny!

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Sarah Millican - Live At The Apollo

Part 1

Part 2

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How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

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Noteable Mark Twain Quotes

"Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood is what you were intended for."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

"People born to be hanged are safe in water."

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

"Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to."

"Only presidents, editors and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'."

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"I don't give a damn for a man who can spell a word only one way."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."

"All kings is mostly rapscallions."

"It is not best that we all should think alike, it is differences of opinion that make horse races."

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself."

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know."

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."

"It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either."

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."

"I have a higher and greater standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie but I won't."

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

"I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting."

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."

"Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish."

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."

"I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it."

"The Bible has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies."

"It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"Truth is more of a stranger than fiction."

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."

"We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read."

"There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting."

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty- one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform."

"Let us endeavor to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity."

"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten."

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them."

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True Stories about Americans from a UK Travel Agent

The following are actual stories told by travellers from Mendocino County, CA to a travel agents in the UK. (And you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on
geography...)

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,
Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that
New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back,
she was not even embarrassed.

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,
why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back
and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and
sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

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How an 11 year-old solved my computer trouble ~ Humour

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, '"an, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned; "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

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I poked your mum...

Saw this Tee-Shirt in a shop window in Leicester today. Simple, but worth a chuckle...!

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Today's Joke

Today's Joke

Daily Humor

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and
several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey
Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.

"What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

Sent with Reeder for iPhone 

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Glee's Sue Sylvester Quotes

• "Hey, Buddy! I was just dropping by to feed my Venus flytrap" Episode 13: Sectionals
• "You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, that's hard!" (Episode 1: Pilot)
• "You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis, that's hard!" (Episode 1:Pilot)
• "Your resentment... is dellllicious." (Episode 1: Pilot)
• "You think this is hard? Try filling your own cavity, that's hard!" (Episode 1: Pilot)
• Sue: "See, now what you're doing here is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system and kids fall into certain slots. Now, you have your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. Your invisibles and kids playing online trolls and creatures, bottom floor." Will: "So where do the Glee kids lie?" Sue: "Sub-basement." (Episode 1: Pilot)
• "Lady Justice wept today." (Episode 2: Showmance)
• "I took the liberty of highlighting some Special Ed classes for you. Maybe you can find some recruits there because I don't think anybody else is going to want to swim over to your... island of misfit toys." (Episode 2:Showmance)
• Sue: Iron tablet? It keeps your strenght up when you menstrate. Will: I don't menstrate. Sue: Yeah neither do i.
• "It is my strong suggestion these two students be hobbled." (Episode 2:Showmance)
• "Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I have seen in 20 years of teaching and that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."" (Episode 2: Showmance)
• Will: "Are you threatening me?" Sue: "Threatening you? Oh no, no, no, no. Giving you a chance to compromise yourself? You betcha! Let's break it down. You want to be creative, you want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me! So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it! It's time, and I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade, launder my soiled delicates. It'd be very rewarding work for you." (Episode 2: Showmance)
• "This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office!" (Episode 3: Acafellas)
• *when Principal Figgins forces them to hug* Will: "I will destroy you." Sue: "I am about to vomit down your back." Will: "It's on." (Episode 7: Throwdown)
• "There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and some day they will. And that's how SueC's it." (Episode 4: Preggers)
• "I'll often yell at homeless people: 'Hey, how is that homelessness working out for you? Try not being homeless for once.'" (Episode 4: Preggers)
• "God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester."
• "Oh, I know the Dutch are famous for being a cold people but that’s no excuse for treating you like some half-priced hooker in Amsterdam’s famous red-light district."
• "I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picturing birds laying sulforous eggs in there and i find it disgusting"
• "Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there’s a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand."
• "Schuester! Yeah? I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all, and I want it on my desk, warm from the laminator at 5:00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then, on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face." Episode 8: Mash-Up
• "If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to admire her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning." Episode 9: Wheels
• “If there’s anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I’m cutting it!” Episode 10: Hairography
• "Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever." Episode 10: Hairography
• "I have reasonable confidence that you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're no good at -- right next to having a marriage; running a glee club; and finding a hairstyle that doesn't make you look like a lesbian. Episode 13: Sectionals
• "Love ya like a sista!" Episode 13: Sectionals
• “Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester,” she told him. “You’re about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!“ Episode 13: Sectionals
• “I’m going to head down to my condo in Boca, brown up a bit, get myself back into fighting shape.” Episode 13: Sectionals

More great Glee info on GleeWiki:

http://gleewiki.fox.com/page/Sue+Sylvester

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Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version - Very funny!

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Satanic Bagpuss in HMV Leicester by @sicalcutt on Twitter

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52 things you would love to say out loud at work - but probably shouldn't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a shit.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a fucking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it
over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

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YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF... (please add your own funny comment!)

YOU MAY BE A NURSE IF...

You believe that every patient needs TLC: Temazepam, Lorazepam and Chlorpromazine

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse call-buzzer system night in a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart.

When asked by the doctor what colour the patient's diarrhoea was, you show
them your shoes.

If they missed your shoes, you use the well known "poo curry colour scale" ranging from chicken Korma to Spinach Vindaloo.

You can identify the different causes of diarrhoea by the smell.

Your sense of humour gets more warped every year.

The kids get their presents in TED stockings, and NHS pillowcases. Anybody's
presents are usually wrapped with Micropore or Transpore tape.

Almost anything can seem funny? eventually.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors, keys and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing than they know.

You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from work is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table throw up.

You don't get concerned about blood unless it's your own.

You notice that you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of them on you. Most of them have laxative drug names written on them.

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing or it
triggers flashbacks, or; Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty
because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and everything, and
pointing out mistakes like upside down x-rays.

You have seriously considered catheterising yourself before a clubbing
night, or your children before a long car journey.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your colleague and to scream if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn or crisps out of a clean bedpan/sick bowl is
perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the shopping centre for fear that
they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You hate to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live
in, and why can't they make jeans that comfortable.

You find yourself checking other peoples veins in the supermarket

When checking a patients orientation, YOU don't know if its night or day,
or what day/year/month it is.

You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work nights and
realise that you don't need drugs or alcohol to hallucinate; just lack of
sleep.

You pull over in a lay-by after nights because you are too tired to drive
home. You only wake up when someone is banging on your window because they
think you've had a stroke when the see the trail of dribble sliding down
the window

Your finger has gone places you never thought possible.

You have seen more penises than any prostitute has.

***
Anymore? Add your own and pass them back to me!

Ryan x

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